It's Me, Ceci!

Home?

2005-09-04T19:02:00.000+08:00

As a very down to earth person, I always experience awkwardness when being asked, 'How are you?' worse if it is accompanied by a very caring and curious expression. Please do not get me wrong! This is a very kind question to ask but just kind of difficult for me to answer. It always strikes me as a request for an immediate evaluation about life - flashes of your recent happenings, about yourself, maybe about job, health, relationship, family, money, weather, etc, etc, then quickly evaluate them and report how you feel and think. This is what I mean by being 'down to earth' to give a concrete and accurate answer when confronted by such a big question! But being even more 'down to earth' these days, I learned to follow the trend, without thinking and I reply, 'Good! Thanks!'

To my relief, I recently learned that for certain cultures, people say 'how are you' for the sake of saying it - it means merely a 'hi!' or almost nothing. Interesting people we are! (Or is it really true?)

Not too long ago, I found myself being tricked by another 'difficult' question, 'When are you going home?' 'Well, do you mean what time am I off from work? Or do you mean going back to Hong Kong? You mean going back for good or just visiting or...??'

Four years ago I spent one whole year travelling different countries and living in different cultures. Everywhere I went I felt welcomed, I felt I was a part of the country and I felt home. That was a very cool feeling and I felt I had been 'upgraded' to a true global citizen. After all these exciting travels I went 'home', back to Hong Kong, and I felt out of place. I felt weird to go back to the familiar. My heart just wouldn’t allow me to be satisfied with what I had. So I decided to leave my comfort zone and I needed to travel to somewhere, no matter where. So here I am, in Singapore.

It sounds cool to call yourself a global citizen. But what is the difference between a global citizen who feels everywhere home and a lonely person who feels homeless in the world? Aren’t they both fail to step their feet into one single place that they can call home?

From all those years growing up in Hong Kong, to a traveller, to a 'global citizen' to now - Where is my home? What is home?

I am still a Hong Kong citizen. My root is in Hong Kong - since it is where I grew up. My family are all there. But do I see my future there? Probably not. So where do I want to go? I don’t know.

Some people say home is a feeling. But what kind of feeling? Do you need to get married and children to feel settled and home? Or just be happy somewhere and you find yourself most comfortable?

Whenever I have this feeling, this song will just come up to my mind (or the other way round).

Life For Rent - Dido

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
but it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking
it's just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent
and I don't learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought that I would love to live by the sea
to travel the world alone and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
cos there's really nothing left here to stop me
it's just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent
and I don't learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

while my heart is a shield
and I won't let it down
while I am so afraid to fail
so I won't even try
well how can I say I'm alive

but if my life is for rent
and I don't learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

************************************************************************************

I was tempted to end my essay with the line above. Indeed, it was a bad ending, or at least a rough one. My mind just doesn’t let me publish this essay without really completing it.

I happened to have watched this movie, ‘Bewitched’, by Nicole Kidman. Kidman, the witch, one day running away from the real world and unwilling to go back to the world of witches, she didn’t know where she wanted to go.
Her father advised, ‘Go home.’
‘But I don’t know where home is!’
‘Home is the place where you feel the happiest.’
Sweet though predicted, Kidman ended up staying in the real world with a man whose uselessness attracted her and made her feel needed and important.

There was a high school friend of mine, diligent as a student and as a caretaker at home. She came from a broken family. Asked about what she wanted most after graduation, she answered,’ I want to get married as soon as possible. I want to have a new, wholesome family.’

There are a lot of people who catch your eyes, but only a few who will catch your heart. Even thinking among those few heart catchers, the most important question is: who do you really want to see the moment when you come 'home'?

So are you feeling happy and complete sharing your life with someone who is most important in your life? If yes, maybe you are ‘home’ now!

Last Warm Nights with Triin

2005-07-25T23:09:00.000+08:00

Triin - My Estonian Girl

As a traveller, I always feel happy to have left my footsteps in a country and leave effortlessly without a sad feeling. After having settled in Singapore for three years, I have seen many travellers alike come and go and I thought I am already very used to it and taken it easy until recently one of my very best friends has left.

Triin is from Estonia and most of the time the only blonde girl and the only Northern European in a crowd. We first met in APLDS in Korea while she was in my facilitator team. We met again when I visited Estonia and again when she came to Singapore to spend a year here as an International MC for AIESEC Singapore.

It was the hardest goodbye I have said for years. When the day of parting came closer, all we wanted to do was to postpone that very moment the latest possible by spending more time together. Two weeks prior to her departure, we had our first 'farewell dinner'. It was followed by a second dinner three days before she left and another dinner the day after and finally a late night out the very last night of her stay in Singapore. It really wasn’t our plan to meet so many times but we just couldn’t afford saying goodbye. I remembered very well the second last night after a dinner with Kristel and all, we suddenly realised that we were not to meet each other again. The feeling of parting hit us hard and all we had were two blank faces of 'Oh, I can’t believe it'! We tried very hard to find a way to meet up still the last night for the last time. And we did spend again another precious time together.

No matter how hard we tried to avoid it the moment had to come. At the very last, after hours of chatting at Swenson’s in Orchard, at that ordinary taxi stand, in a warm summer night, we said goodbye. We hugged each other emotionally with the sadness of leaving and gratefulness of having known and spent time with each other. When she requested another and last hug I knew I wanted to say something but I just went speechless. And without surprise, I said something stupid, 'I am going to write something.' For sensitive girls like us would have broken into tears but we did not (at least not in front of each other). It was partially because I was so blank and also we were comforting ourselves that we would meet again 2 years from now. But deep down in my heart, I consciously know things are going to be somehow different - for the better and worse.

I thank destiny for giving us a precious time we spent together. Besides all the fun and joy we shared it also allowed me to have a closer look at this adorable, daring, understanding and simply wonderful girl. Simplicity and openness has made her easily excited and amazed at new experiences. Adventurousness and confidence has made her an excellent company to travel with and enriched her with many interesting stories to share. Honesty and attentiveness has made her the person you would always want to listen to and to be listened to. She enjoys her life. She loves challenges. She treasures the people around her.

It is always fun to go out with a friend who is always eager to try new things, curious, appreciating and spontaneous. See this girl’s craving for cuttlefish and octopus while many Europeans find them 'weird' and rubbery. It had given me and the owner of the Chinese dried food store a pretty hard time when this curious girl asked about every single thing she saw at the store! 1 in the morning we were still thinking to go to an Egyptian restaurant that Michal claimed would close at 3am! When asked about what she would miss most in Singapore, she said the warm nights out with friends here....

There are many friends whom I will turn to to spell things out when I am in doubt or having a bad day. Interestingly, with Triin, I rarely talked about my problems because the moment I see her, the sky is cleared and the sun will rise. I am not sure how it happens but it feels like being embraced by some magic forces in the universe whenever we got together.

I have met Estonians a good number of times but I have never got to know them well enough. To me, Estonia was a country of mysteries and doubts. It was Triin with her lovely personalities who opened the door of her lovely country to me. If not for her, I wonder if I would ever wanted to visit the country again so much.

I am waiting for the moment while savouring our little chats about friends, about cultures, about life. I am waiting for the moment while listening to her calm voice and sweet laughter. I am waiting for the moment while filling my eyes with the colours of our memories. I am waiting, patiently waiting for the moment we meet again.

With lots of love to this girl setting off to Malaysia, Thailand, Bangladesh, India and finally Estonia.

2005-06-21T22:47:00.000+08:00

George in Town! (Not 'George Town' though!)

Reborn!

2005-06-14T22:17:00.000+08:00

No matter how strong we are (even you have been through numerous AIESEC training about life, vision and purposes), there are moments when we feel lost, sad and helpless.

I used to be very independent, tough and clear of what I want in my life. Every morning I woke up telling myself, "hey! here's another day I am going for it!" A lot of things have changed and a key one is that I have been involved in a relationship.

I have always had that fantasy about relationships - getting someone to share your life and help each other to grow to be stronger, happier and more mature. But I have never thought about HOW this is going to be done.

I have always thought that with my toughness, independence and certainty about life, I would be a different girlfriend who will always stay strong and happy. As time goes by, I have realised I am no difference - jealous, calculating, irritated and worried over trivial things. To be very honest, these are some qualities I could never understand and thought I would never ever have them in my life. Look, now I have them all!!!

Worst of all, I think I was born with a very complicated and imaginative mind - which is good and bad. I was always very outstanding in composition (for those who weren't under British education system, it means writing essays). At the age of 7, I started writing about feelings, about life, about nations, about humanity, about world. All these 'big writings' came from very trivial daily activities - from a family dinner around Mid Autumn festival to a blow of breeze, from a school picnic to some clouds in the sky....

Gone were the days when I got credits for my composition. I no longer do composition besides writing blogs (ops!) but my mind has always got me to trigger some small things into big, big issues and imaginations. I remember very well once I shared a friend of mine the trouble I was going through, he said, 'how come things never seem to be easy for you?' I paused and asked, 'Are things always that difficult for me or do I make them difficult?' He had to agree, 'you make things difficult for yourself.'

It is a very painful process to realise and admit that you are jealous and over sensitive (especially I thought I wasnt!!!) When I realised my boyfriend always went out with other girls (he happens to have many female friends) and mentioned over and over again some girls are very cute, I started feeling uncomfy - yes, I was jealous. When I realised he didnt reply my goodnight messages and didnt tell me when he would start working in the new office, I felt he cared me less than before. I could still understand why I had those feelings but now I shivered over them - I am totally lost over him.

Last Sunday I sat down and asked myself, 'Who am I? What do I want in my life?' I could answer none of them and I broke down and continued asking, 'Is he really the one? If yes, how come my life is so lost?' I think I have not felt so lost, insecure and inconfident for a very long time (I can only recall the time when I was at 8).

I think the old time fantasy is still with me - when I am with the Mr. Right, I would be able to find out who I am and pursue my dreams and live a happy person. Slowly, unknowingly, very dependent I have become. I have depended on him to find out who I am and what I want to be.

The old fantasy still stands, but you dont expect your partner to sit next to you and tell you who you are and show you which way to go. When you are lost, you dont mourn over not knowing who you are and have chosen the wrong one. At the end of the day, it is always us to define who we are - so that we live, we are alive and we can help our partner to find out who he/she is.

Being in a relationship is to share your life with someone who could inspire you and encourage of what you want to be but you gotta decide it. Sharing your life with somone else opens your eyes with intimacy and understanding to face the challenges in your life but there is no escape from them. He/She loves you for who you are but you gotta live it out.

It is a life time process to find out who you are. Stop feeling sad and sorry about yourself and live your life! Don't miss any experience to learn and grow! Given the chance, share this with someone and make it a more complete and beautiful process :)

The day I had these thoughts I happened to listen to the following from my favaourite radio program, A Slice Of Life:

If I were to ask you "What's the most important quality that you seek in a life partner?", what would come to your mind?

If recent surveys are anything to go by, women generally value a sense of humour, a caring nature, and sensitivity to her feelings and needs. For men, what comes up tops usually is a gentle nature, good looks, and yes, a sense of humour. Studies have shown that for men though, they perceive "a sense of humour" not as having the ability to make them laugh, but being able to understand and be amused by their jokes. A fundamental difference in the sexes there? Perhaps, but that's a topic for another discussion.

So, back to the most important quality you seek in a life partner. What have you come up with? If you're like most of us, you would either think of a external quality like a smooth complexion or a personality trait, like kindness or being good with children.
But how about "happy and fulfilled with an exciting life"?

Looks will fade, and a person with a great sense of humour may not necessarily have the strength of character to endure life's challenges. So think about it - wouldn't you rather spend the rest of your life with someone who is independent, happy and with an outlook on life that is enriching, stimulating, and vibrant?

I don't know about you, but I know quite a number of people whom you would not give a second glance at on the street, but the moment they enter a room, they draw the attention of everyone with their lively stride, beaming faces and exuberant talk.

That's the most important quality I'd seek in a life partner. Someone who is full of life and energy, a shining beacon through life's dark moments, who can still make me laugh when the terrain gets bumpy. Someone who is enterprising, innovative and always surprising. Someone I can know and love for years and still fall for every day.

An aspect that we often overlook in our search for a mate is his or her attitude towards life. His or her values and convictions. Can they withstand the test of time? The trials of living together?
Is it time you re-examined your criteria for a life partner?

Nothing comes from nothing,
nothing ever could....
So somewhere in my youth or childhood,
I must have done something good....

Another Birthday Hug to Pilli!!!

2005-06-07T23:21:00.001+08:00

I am never too bad at numbers, I got an 'A' for maths in cert level exams and I can remember very well my passport numbers, ID number, grocery prices etc, but there are 2 exceptions - statistics and birthdays.

I remember very few birthdays. If you have ever received a 'Happy Birthday' from me not because of your birthday alert - either you or your birthday must be very special! ;) Close friends will remind me of some other friends' birthdays and they know that theirs will have to be reminded by someone else otherwise I will just forget. Pilli, the birthday girl yesterday, is both a very special person to me and has a special birthday. Pilli was the very first Kenyan/African girl we selected as a trainee in my company and the very first to be in Malaysia.

Besides all these 'firsts', she is just simply a cool and lovely person you always want to be with. I have to admit that we dont spend too much time together but there are a few intimate moments with her I will never forget in my life. There are always friends whom you dont have to talk a lot with, but an understanding expression or a hug from them are always so comforting and assuring. For me, Pilli is one of them.

Her birthday is special, too. When we first selected the trainees/'AP mafia', we realised that some of our 'mafia family members' share phenomenal birthdays - One of us was born on 01/01 (Sarika), me on 02/02, Diana on 03/03, we skipped 04 and 05 then came Pilli on 06/06! We did a hunt for our lost family members on 04, 05, 07 etc but in vain.... But these girls' birthdays can hardly slip through my mind!

That was the third birthday that Pilli spent here. I could still remember when I first taught her singing Cantonese happy birthday 'San-Yat-Fai-Lok' on my birthday and singing it to her on hers....

Just imagine how amazing life is when you have the chance to share again and again a special day with a friend who comes from far far in a continent you have never stepped into in a place to which you both dont belong!

May all your birthday wishes come true, Pilli! :)

'Wealth at heart'

2005-06-02T15:05:00.000+08:00

Just like many of you (or unlike some of the very lucky you), I do not have perfect relationship with my family, especially my father.

Since I came to Singapore two years ago, he has been writing me letters almost monthly as he does not understand English nor use PC - no email. Content ranges from 'I have received your money' to lessons about life and what I did wrong now and then. I think 1/3 of them also 'advertise' the carreer opportunity summary in Hong Kong such as 'a middle manager in Hong Kong is now paid 55,000HKD per month'. If you have not had much experience with a Chinese father, it means - come home and earn more money!!! Of course, it doesn't mean that he understands what a 'middle manager' means and where I am at with my career. Having said that, I do appreciate the efforts he makes but most of the time I simply find it too hard to read his words and agree with his thoughts. Many a time I cried over the letters he wrote out of frustrations, disappointment and/or a broken heart.

My dad is 72 years old this year. His values towards friends, family, career and relationship are unfortunately almost totally opposite from mine. The generation gap and our experiences have unavoidably shaped us into the black and white of the yin-yang. I do not think either one of us are right or wrong - we are just different and very difficult to find a common ground for compromise.

My dad has always discouraged me to trust or treasure my friends, because (he thinks) his friends have all looked down on him since he was married (why? read on). For me, without my friends, I could have easily lost my life during an accident. If not for my friends, I wouldnt have been able to pursue my dreams and desires. My dad is always against me going abroad. But I just simply cannot imagine how my life would have been if I wasnt abroad for my AIESEC and working experiences in Asia. And I need to be abroad to have my own space, and freedom which are vital to my psychological and mental balance. My dad is always against me doing volunteer work because it doesnt earn me money. For me, the happiness of reaching out to the needy and developing yourself through various experiences is just priceless. The list can go on and on but you can see that I am still doing what I want to do. Or let's say, no matter how disappointing I am to him, my dad still lets me walk my own way.

I paid my parents and brother to fly over to Singapore early last month and yesterday I received the first letter since then from my dad. When I opened it, it was the longest ever - a few pages were glued together to make it one scary long page. I almost screamed out loud and was very tempted to trash it right away. Instead, I threw it on to the table and walked into the kitchen. I thought to myself, if I decided to read it, I wouldn't let myself cry. And I did.

The letter repeated a few 'lectures' he did when he was in Singapore. The paragraph that drew most of my attention was the one that explained why he always said his friends looked down on him since his marriage.

He said once he had many good friends but they all looked down on him when he became very poor. He earned very little salary (he was a watchman for about 20 years) and he had to let my mum work to earn enough money for the family. All the while he didnt let us buy second hand books because he didnt want other people to look down on us (though I remembered selling and buying second hand books). I was wondering - so all the while he was looking down on himself and the family? Are we nothing else but a burden???

The more interesting thing is, I have never in my life felt that we were really that 'poor'. We had a proper flat to stay, though a small flat rented in the government public housing estate. We had 3 meals every day and never starved. We had always been on time to pay rentals, bills and school fees. I remember even receiving a Christmas present (a plastic cup with some jelly) and a birthday present (a piggy bank) once each from my dad. We didnt have the chance to do those fancy classes such as ballet and piano. But we were very fine and I have never felt bad coming from a 'not-rich' family.

It was a very complicated feeling after reading his letter. But I should be glad at least to know what he always wanted to mean. If money is really the matter, I hope, one day, he would be able to put it aside and find the wealth at heart....

'Ceramically Permed'!!

2005-05-31T22:13:00.000+08:00

Me and my permed hair

For friends who know me for long (but not long enough to have seen my very short and/or curled hair), there is some news for you - I got my hair 'ceramically permed' over the weekend!

It was indeed an experience that tests your patience and endurance. Imagine - sitting in a very chilled salon (so that the busy running hair stylists won't sweat and mess up their hair) and have your hair washed, coloured, chemicalised, massaged, rinsed, clipped and hung over an octopus-like machine, blown, styled... altogether for 6 hours!!! I was desparately hungry, thirsty, cold and sleepy! ;)

My hair stylist said she has seen many people fallen asleep but I was the first one who slept even with my hair clipped and hung!

There was once a hard working Chinese who hang his pony tail to the ceiling in order to keep himself awake. Don't think it's going to work for me!

Interesting was the feedback people have given me so far - some said I look like a doll, some said I look like a Korean, some said my eyes look brighter, some said I look more fashionable and some said I look like a rich tai tai (a married auntie!). This fun and excitement to my colleagues alone worth the trouble already!

Well, for those who have never had long permed hair before, the 6 hours hard work was nothing compared to the maintenance that follows.... God bless!

Get started....

2005-05-17T21:22:00.000+08:00

It seems such a 'cool thing' to do these days to have a blog. Am I missing out anything if I don't have one???

I think after all this is not a bad idea to have your thoughts and feelings written to share with your friends and to look back after some time. Or maybe one day I can even share this with my grand children, as long as Blogspot doesn't go bankrupt! ;)